My wife and I recently went to my hometown to visit my aunt. This trip like all the others was a time traveling adventure in which I could show my 3-year-old daughter where I grew up and favorite haunts as a child. We had a great time up until my aunt took us to lunch, only then did it become awkward to the point of having to defend my religious and cultural choices.
To give all readers a background, I was born into a Southern Baptist family. My father was a Southern Baptist preacher, my brother was a missionary, my mother's family was very devout and when I couldn't find someone at home, I could usually find them at church. I was not however the only member of my family to leave the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), in fact I was the third.
First there was my father, he left my mother when I was three to find himself, where he found himself was in the Unity Church a holistic approach to Christianity that many people think of as New Age. Then there was my brother who became a Seventh Day Adventist, after leaving the SBC he found himself in a stronger connection with his wife by joining her church and sharing the same doctrine. Finally I was mentally never really part of church life, my mother tried to engage me in youth groups and such but I never really belonged or had ownership in any part of the church. When I came out at bisexual, and then transgender the connections that my mother had tried to make for me in the church altogether vanished. In a way I was persona non grata, shunned by the place that had tried to be welcoming when I was perceived as normal.
My paternal grandmother who had been "half" ethnically Jewish (Ashkenazim), I didn't ever meet her but I did know about her families loss of Jewish identity in the Midwest. My father talked about it sometimes, mostly as a factoid over dinner with his acquaintances from Unity. Some would think that this would be the reason for my conversion but my hidden ancestry was only a small part of why I converted to Judaism. Another big part of my conversion was the fact that I have identified with otherness for as long as I can remember. One could say that I was no stranger to the sense of otherness. Growing up in a family with very strong religious convictions and a strong sense of what was acceptable and not, I struggled with internal pressure to conform to the hetero-normative ideal.
Here I am again feeling like a 15 year-old and my aunt has me on the ropes over all of the identity politics that come into play in my life again. The questions started out innocently enough directed at my wife, what are you doing with your life these days, how is your family, isn't your mother Christian, why is she Christian and your Jewish, the questions got deeper once they found out that Shelli had met me at my synagogue, yes you guessed it I converted totally on my own! Apparently my mother had neglected to tell my aunt that I was in the conversion process well before I even met my wife, that I had considered Orthodoxy a full three years before meeting my wife at my then Reform shul. This sort of hiding is what my mother does best, "If we don't talk about it, whatever it is doesn't exist."
At that point the conversation returns to me and she asks my why a good Christian kid from a good Christian family becomes a Jew. She started to blame herself for not being welcoming enough, and tried to proselytize me while my wife was taking my daughter for a walk. And when my wife came back she tried to witness to her as well. At which point my wonderful, amazing and altogether stunning wife said this, "It is my belief that there are many ways up the mountain, and yours is just one of them." This reminded me of why I love Shelli so much and this brilliant conversation stopper was perfect because my aunt nodded and we continued talking about everything but religion. This lesson in religious pluralism is one that my family of origin should take to heart. Just because I believe something that is in conflict with their belief system doesn't mean that all of us have to but heads over religion.
Over all it was a good trip, once my aunt backed off with the proselytizing, Sadie got to see her aunt and I asserted my identity once more. Yet I feel that I missed an opportunity to talk with my aunt on a more in depth level about my Jewish identity and how it is much more than religious, it is also cultural because I can look back through my ancestors and see the change from being religious Jews in Germany to ethnic Jews in the Midwest and finally to the pews of churches as congregationalists assimilating into the great American melting pot. I am not just a preachers kid who rebelled, I am a lost son of Israel returning home to the roots of my tree of life. Perhaps, this would have angered her, perhaps not. If my family of origin could only see what a life I have found within Jewish community, maybe they would stop the proselytizing nonsense and just accept that I am a Jewish man through and through.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Gvanim Tikkun
Yesterday afternoon an amazing thing happened at my shul. Four people changed the minds of twelve high ranking Israeli Defense Force (IDF) officers. For six years, the Jewish Community Federation (JCF) has run a program in Israel called "Gvanim”, which loosely translates as "rainbow." The program brings together leaders from different walks of Israeli life for a year-long program of study and dialogue about Jewish identity and pluralism. One of the Gvanim members, a retired IDF general, developed an Action Project called Gvanim IDF with a goal of exposing high ranking Army officers to the multiple expressions of Judaism within Israeli society and the Diaspora.
My fellow panelists James M., Lisa F., and Rebecca W. were witness to real life Tikkun (Repair). It all began with our personal stories about the intersection of our Jewish identities and our LGBTQ natures. Rebecca talked about growing up a lesbian in Berkeley with a strong sense of Jewishness, James talked about being gay in Austria and growing up in a dati community that was very oppressive, and Lisa talked about being queer in her pluralistic Midwestern family. My story was simple, I was a trans man (Female-to-Male Transsexual ) and was married with a two and a half year old daughter. I made a conscious decision to out myself on another level, as a Jew by Choice. This did not go over well, in my opinion, judging from the reaction from one particular Lieutenant Colonel who questioned my existence on the panel, "Why didn't you just find another faith, one that would want you, and be easier, because Judaism rejects you." he said this as if he was talking directly to me. Yet, some of the other people on the panel fielded this question thinking that it had been directed at them.
Answers were as eloquent as could be with a simple, "Because I am Jewish," was the common thread to the answers. But when my turn was up again, I directed my answer to the Lt. Col. saying the same thing, "Because I am Jewish," and talked about my conversion in as much detail as I could. I talked about my troubles trying to fit myself into Halakha, struggling with G-d, looking to the Torah for answers, and finding myself in the beginning with Avram and Sarai, Lech L'cha (Go Forth!) and his answer Hineni (Here I Am). In the Torah, everyone is themselves, the men and women who we count as ancestors were flawed human beings, just like us. Continually missing the mark and wrestling with G-d. These is no other religious tradition that captures who I am like Judaism does.
After his question was answered, he went on to ask why we didn't just have a social group where we did text study, instead of a synagogue. To which Rebecca answered, "Because it is a synagogue, not a social club." I kept thinking about how much on the defensive we all were on the bimah that afternoon, and then it happened. People from the group started thanking us for showing them that you could be both LGBT and religiously Jewish. I started feeling really good about being so out there, and talking about my journey to and through Judaism.
The next Lt. Col to talk was someone who hadn't spoken yet, he was the quiet one who was watching it all, and coming to his own informed conclusion. He started off slowly, and as he spoke the room became very still and quiet. He then talked about his uncle who had transitioned from Male-to-Female (MTF) over ten years ago. He said that some of the family had been accepting, but not him, he was against his uncle's decision from the start. Eventually he cut his uncle out of his life, and never thought about him. He said that he had heard that his uncle had gotten married to a man and moved away. He was also using "He" to talk about his MTF family member until the very end. Everyone was leaning in, and I don't remember hearing anything other than his voice. He looked at me and said, "You have changed my mind, and I will call her and try to reconnect." He then walked up to the bimah and handed Lisa a picture of the group of officers as a gift to the synagogue, and a remembrance of the wonderful thing that happened a few moments ago.
The entire panel was alight, because something wonderful had happened, out of the twelve uniformed men and women in front of us, we had changed the heart and mind of one man. Personal stories can change hearts and minds, they can move mountains, and create safe space where there was none. I am in awe of the Lt. Col. looking deep inside, and finding the courage to say that he was wrong to push his family member away because she was different. And I am touched and honored that I was a catalyst, an agent of change for this one man.
After the panel we rose to more than polite claps, it was a really wonderful ovation from a group of people that we somehow connected with on an intimate level. My daughter ran to me, and I picked her up from the floor and introduced her to the Lt. Col. who had just made such a powerful statement, we chatted and I wished him well. I also looked at pictures of children that the other IDF officers had in their bags. It was as if we were all old friends, reconnecting...
My fellow panelists James M., Lisa F., and Rebecca W. were witness to real life Tikkun (Repair). It all began with our personal stories about the intersection of our Jewish identities and our LGBTQ natures. Rebecca talked about growing up a lesbian in Berkeley with a strong sense of Jewishness, James talked about being gay in Austria and growing up in a dati community that was very oppressive, and Lisa talked about being queer in her pluralistic Midwestern family. My story was simple, I was a trans man (Female-to-Male Transsexual ) and was married with a two and a half year old daughter. I made a conscious decision to out myself on another level, as a Jew by Choice. This did not go over well, in my opinion, judging from the reaction from one particular Lieutenant Colonel who questioned my existence on the panel, "Why didn't you just find another faith, one that would want you, and be easier, because Judaism rejects you." he said this as if he was talking directly to me. Yet, some of the other people on the panel fielded this question thinking that it had been directed at them.
Answers were as eloquent as could be with a simple, "Because I am Jewish," was the common thread to the answers. But when my turn was up again, I directed my answer to the Lt. Col. saying the same thing, "Because I am Jewish," and talked about my conversion in as much detail as I could. I talked about my troubles trying to fit myself into Halakha, struggling with G-d, looking to the Torah for answers, and finding myself in the beginning with Avram and Sarai, Lech L'cha (Go Forth!) and his answer Hineni (Here I Am). In the Torah, everyone is themselves, the men and women who we count as ancestors were flawed human beings, just like us. Continually missing the mark and wrestling with G-d. These is no other religious tradition that captures who I am like Judaism does.
After his question was answered, he went on to ask why we didn't just have a social group where we did text study, instead of a synagogue. To which Rebecca answered, "Because it is a synagogue, not a social club." I kept thinking about how much on the defensive we all were on the bimah that afternoon, and then it happened. People from the group started thanking us for showing them that you could be both LGBT and religiously Jewish. I started feeling really good about being so out there, and talking about my journey to and through Judaism.
The next Lt. Col to talk was someone who hadn't spoken yet, he was the quiet one who was watching it all, and coming to his own informed conclusion. He started off slowly, and as he spoke the room became very still and quiet. He then talked about his uncle who had transitioned from Male-to-Female (MTF) over ten years ago. He said that some of the family had been accepting, but not him, he was against his uncle's decision from the start. Eventually he cut his uncle out of his life, and never thought about him. He said that he had heard that his uncle had gotten married to a man and moved away. He was also using "He" to talk about his MTF family member until the very end. Everyone was leaning in, and I don't remember hearing anything other than his voice. He looked at me and said, "You have changed my mind, and I will call her and try to reconnect." He then walked up to the bimah and handed Lisa a picture of the group of officers as a gift to the synagogue, and a remembrance of the wonderful thing that happened a few moments ago.
The entire panel was alight, because something wonderful had happened, out of the twelve uniformed men and women in front of us, we had changed the heart and mind of one man. Personal stories can change hearts and minds, they can move mountains, and create safe space where there was none. I am in awe of the Lt. Col. looking deep inside, and finding the courage to say that he was wrong to push his family member away because she was different. And I am touched and honored that I was a catalyst, an agent of change for this one man.
After the panel we rose to more than polite claps, it was a really wonderful ovation from a group of people that we somehow connected with on an intimate level. My daughter ran to me, and I picked her up from the floor and introduced her to the Lt. Col. who had just made such a powerful statement, we chatted and I wished him well. I also looked at pictures of children that the other IDF officers had in their bags. It was as if we were all old friends, reconnecting...
Friday, February 22, 2008
Transdenominational Gerim
I recently received a very agitated email from an Orthodox man, regarding stopping any further inquiry around Jews by Choice, because he thought that I would be taking advantage of their naivety, and putting a stumbling block in front of the blind as it were. Due to the minhag (Long standing tradition) around not discussing conversion after the fact, he assumed that the participants would be treated badly by their born Jewish friends and family who happened upon the film. He also expressed concern over the level of conversion, i.e. "Not all conversions are equal.", and those who convert Reform are not really Jews, until they convert Orthodox. After they convert to Orthodoxy, in his opinion, they would feel a sense of shame and regret over being part of the film before they converted Orthodox.
His argument is the same argument that all "minority" groups have faced: Don't come out because it might hurt you and/or your family and/or your acquaintances. Don't protest, don't go to the media, don't expose yourself. Because of the possibility of self-harm either knowingly or unknowingly. Stay in the closet. Ride the back of the bus. Stay on the reservation. Don't question your employer. Don't complain. Radical change comes about when a few brave people choose to break their anonymity, and stand up for what they believe in. That said, I am still making the film, and am committed to embracing all of the engaging stories that are brought to me in the process.
I recently applied to the Jewish Studies MA program at Hebrew College (an online program at a Transdenominational grad school in Newton, MA), hoping that I could use the film work in my studies and vise versa. In essence my thought is that this film is a Transdenominational examination of those who are converts to Judaism. The participants of this project come from across the boundaries of traditional and non-traditional movements to give insight into the process of conversion, and Jewish thought. I can think of no better way to illuminate the unifying factor of Transdenominational insight than through a film about conversion. In short, this film is the perfect bridge building vehicle to highlight the similarities between the movements, and allow us to embrace each other regardless of tradition.
There is a place in my heart for the man who wrote me the letter, because I don't think I realized the level of resistance that the film would come up against, until his email hit my inbox. I don't think of myself as controversial or provocative in any way, then again I live in my skin. Anyone who looked at my life from the outside could see a transsexual, bisexual Jewish man as a little provocative. Yet, I see myself as a pretty traditional Jewish man, I have a family, a wife and daughter, a ritual filled life, I go to Torah study, I lead the Ma'ariv service when I can, I enjoy studying Talmud, I love digging into the dictionary during text study, and I enjoy my Kehila Kedusha (Holy Community) to no end. And I think that many Jews by Choice in the Bay Area have an interesting, and engaging voice that challenges the Jewish community to action, a voice that I would never think of silencing. In fact I think I want to make a film about that voice...
His argument is the same argument that all "minority" groups have faced: Don't come out because it might hurt you and/or your family and/or your acquaintances. Don't protest, don't go to the media, don't expose yourself. Because of the possibility of self-harm either knowingly or unknowingly. Stay in the closet. Ride the back of the bus. Stay on the reservation. Don't question your employer. Don't complain. Radical change comes about when a few brave people choose to break their anonymity, and stand up for what they believe in. That said, I am still making the film, and am committed to embracing all of the engaging stories that are brought to me in the process.
I recently applied to the Jewish Studies MA program at Hebrew College (an online program at a Transdenominational grad school in Newton, MA), hoping that I could use the film work in my studies and vise versa. In essence my thought is that this film is a Transdenominational examination of those who are converts to Judaism. The participants of this project come from across the boundaries of traditional and non-traditional movements to give insight into the process of conversion, and Jewish thought. I can think of no better way to illuminate the unifying factor of Transdenominational insight than through a film about conversion. In short, this film is the perfect bridge building vehicle to highlight the similarities between the movements, and allow us to embrace each other regardless of tradition.
There is a place in my heart for the man who wrote me the letter, because I don't think I realized the level of resistance that the film would come up against, until his email hit my inbox. I don't think of myself as controversial or provocative in any way, then again I live in my skin. Anyone who looked at my life from the outside could see a transsexual, bisexual Jewish man as a little provocative. Yet, I see myself as a pretty traditional Jewish man, I have a family, a wife and daughter, a ritual filled life, I go to Torah study, I lead the Ma'ariv service when I can, I enjoy studying Talmud, I love digging into the dictionary during text study, and I enjoy my Kehila Kedusha (Holy Community) to no end. And I think that many Jews by Choice in the Bay Area have an interesting, and engaging voice that challenges the Jewish community to action, a voice that I would never think of silencing. In fact I think I want to make a film about that voice...
Friday, December 28, 2007
Call For Participants
Call for participants - documentary film - San Francisco, CA
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
You're a Jew by Choice, a convert, and proud of that fact. You are part of any movement, Reform, Reconstructionist, Conservative, Traditional, Transdenominational, or Orthodox and live in the San Francisco Bay Area. You may be queer, straight or anything in between, but you have a solid Jewish identity that cannot be shaken. You are tired of people thinking that all Jews look a certain way, speak a certain language, or have a certain outlook. You want to show the world that the Jewish people are a multicultural and diverse crew.
A Jewish filmmaker wants to find six individuals who embody the Jewish people in all their diversity and wonder. Help him show the world what a Jew by Choice looks like. This film project will be an immense undertaking, but as a Jew by Choice, this filmmaker wants to showcase all the Bay Area Jewish communities diversity. You will be asked a series of ethnographic questions that will delve into your life before, during and after your conversion to Judaism. From this Q&A the final product will be boiled down to about 5 minutes of footage that will be used in the film GER.
From www.germovie.blogspot.com:
"Ger (Hebrew for "stranger" or "proselyte") is the examination of those who are converts to Judaism through any of the movements. Converts come from all backgrounds: familial, socioeconomic, ethnic, and racial. Ger takes the viewer on a ride through the lives of those who have gone through the process of conversion and those who have been to the mikveh and back."
If you're interested, contact us at marty@ftmsf.org.
The world's waiting to see.
Thanks!
Marty
Martin Rawlings-Fein
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
You're a Jew by Choice, a convert, and proud of that fact. You are part of any movement, Reform, Reconstructionist, Conservative, Traditional, Transdenominational, or Orthodox and live in the San Francisco Bay Area. You may be queer, straight or anything in between, but you have a solid Jewish identity that cannot be shaken. You are tired of people thinking that all Jews look a certain way, speak a certain language, or have a certain outlook. You want to show the world that the Jewish people are a multicultural and diverse crew.
A Jewish filmmaker wants to find six individuals who embody the Jewish people in all their diversity and wonder. Help him show the world what a Jew by Choice looks like. This film project will be an immense undertaking, but as a Jew by Choice, this filmmaker wants to showcase all the Bay Area Jewish communities diversity. You will be asked a series of ethnographic questions that will delve into your life before, during and after your conversion to Judaism. From this Q&A the final product will be boiled down to about 5 minutes of footage that will be used in the film GER.
From www.germovie.blogspot.com:
"Ger (Hebrew for "stranger" or "proselyte") is the examination of those who are converts to Judaism through any of the movements. Converts come from all backgrounds: familial, socioeconomic, ethnic, and racial. Ger takes the viewer on a ride through the lives of those who have gone through the process of conversion and those who have been to the mikveh and back."
If you're interested, contact us at marty@ftmsf.org.
The world's waiting to see.
Thanks!
Marty
Martin Rawlings-Fein
Monday, June 11, 2007
Hatafat dam brit
A friend came to me this past weekend at our annual retreat and asked that I be a witness to his Hatafat dam brit [extracting a drop of blood]. What Could I say but yes... It was held in his semi-private cabin with his male partner sitting in as mohel. Myself and another man whom I, and our community, hold in very high regard were witnesses and our rabbi and former education coordinator served as, well rabbi and sponsor.
This event was unlike any simcha or blessed event that I have ever witnessed. For one, the queer nature of this ancient event was so poignant. Not only was one of their witnesses a bisexual Female-to-Male transsexual but the other was as queer and questioning as any man ever was. The rabbi, a feminist lesbian and visionary, and the sponsor a queer woman, all but one person present were parents. We stood together in a circle looking at one another as words of blessing were spoken by both women about this man about to make a small sacrifice to enter the covenant.
We laughed nervously at the small phrases spoken in jest by the rabbi and sponsor, we shot glances about the room searching for the understanding of what would transpire here in this room of men once the women folk were gone and we held our hands dangling in front of our own places of manhood. So much nervousness wrapped in the trappings of tradition and l’dor v’dor [to Generation and Generation]; yet, we all held the feeling of connectedness that traditions bring.
Dropping trou' the convert sat and waited, eyes closed, clenched and braced waiting for the piercing needle that would be a rebirth of sorts on his 7 year road to conversion. The women were waiting with baited breath for the words of blessing to be chanted, but time stood still in that moment of wonder, that moment of pain and that moment of transformation. My own mind wandered on to thoughts of genital surgery and the heady academic debates brought on by pictures of the outcomes of such things. Yet, almost, the same thing was happening here with this genital modification. With the blood from his penis he was transformed into someone who was only a step away from the mikveh. Still the same person but now transformed by the letting of his blood thus confirming his commitment to becoming Jewish.
With those few little words it was over and the rabbi and sponsor entered again. Hugging ensued and another parallel drawn between the aspects of Transness and Jewishness emerges in my mind. Even as I sit here and write about this, I am still entranced by the feeling of interconnectedness that Sunday morning brought into my life and I think about how the process of conversion mimics the process of transition and vise versa.
This event was unlike any simcha or blessed event that I have ever witnessed. For one, the queer nature of this ancient event was so poignant. Not only was one of their witnesses a bisexual Female-to-Male transsexual but the other was as queer and questioning as any man ever was. The rabbi, a feminist lesbian and visionary, and the sponsor a queer woman, all but one person present were parents. We stood together in a circle looking at one another as words of blessing were spoken by both women about this man about to make a small sacrifice to enter the covenant.
We laughed nervously at the small phrases spoken in jest by the rabbi and sponsor, we shot glances about the room searching for the understanding of what would transpire here in this room of men once the women folk were gone and we held our hands dangling in front of our own places of manhood. So much nervousness wrapped in the trappings of tradition and l’dor v’dor [to Generation and Generation]; yet, we all held the feeling of connectedness that traditions bring.
Dropping trou' the convert sat and waited, eyes closed, clenched and braced waiting for the piercing needle that would be a rebirth of sorts on his 7 year road to conversion. The women were waiting with baited breath for the words of blessing to be chanted, but time stood still in that moment of wonder, that moment of pain and that moment of transformation. My own mind wandered on to thoughts of genital surgery and the heady academic debates brought on by pictures of the outcomes of such things. Yet, almost, the same thing was happening here with this genital modification. With the blood from his penis he was transformed into someone who was only a step away from the mikveh. Still the same person but now transformed by the letting of his blood thus confirming his commitment to becoming Jewish.
Praised are You, Adonai our God, who rules the universe, whose mitzvot add holiness to our lives and who gave us the mitzvah to circumcise converts.
Monday, April 23, 2007
First of many...
I am formulating my idea of doing an ethnographic film on conversion to Judaism. I met with my congregational Rabbi last month to go over semantics. She gave the green light to the project and we mostly just hashed out wording my questions. She helped me to really get what I needed from the meeting, despite being really nervous and flustered by the sheer monumental nature of my previous film and oral history project which is still ongoing. However, I think I have learned much from the "first feature jitters" and I will be better able to really take my film making skills to the next level.
List of things to do:
Draft Questions (Check)
Talk to Rabbi (Check)
Write Final Questions
Put out call for participants
Start interviews
Edit as I go along
Keep backup of all film project data
etc...
B' Sholom
List of things to do:
Draft Questions (Check)
Talk to Rabbi (Check)
Write Final Questions
Put out call for participants
Start interviews
Edit as I go along
Keep backup of all film project data
etc...
B' Sholom
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